he energy within is often the energy we seek.
I remember looking so far outside of myself for validation that I got turned inside out. My quest for fulfillment was one of pain and suffering. But the lows that the universe offered me were met with even greater highs, as soon as I learned that my power was always there, forever guiding me.
I first started to dabble in the supernatural and spirituality as a young child. I remember sitting, cross legged, in any library or Barnes & Noble that would have me, picking up books on tarot, tea leaf reading, and palmistry. I always had an open third eye and a thirst for knowledge. From the age of 8 I was surrounded with the Craft and embraced my creativity. I composed music, wrote short stories, and painted. There was a constant flow of abundance, beauty, and light.
Then something happened.
I can’t recall the predecessor, but by age 13 I had spiraled into a depression that was most likely due to puberty. Being an awkward teenager with eccentric taste and growing breasts didn’t bode well for the typical Venice Beach crowd. I was different, and I so desperately didn’t want to be.
From that point on, drugs and boys were far more important than any of my interests. What was once a time slot for piano lessons turned into a blunt in the parking lot, and not long after a full-blown meth addiction. Black, self-made clothing turned into store bought hip huggers and micro mini skirts, which brought on copious amounts of sexual attention. I was getting all of the distractions that I wanted, that I thought I needed, to take me away from feeling so insecure.
Fast forward about 10 years, and you’ll find the same hollowed-out girl, only this time with a drinking problem, a previous rape, and a narcissistic boyfriend who hid a heroin addiction. I was in debt, I was miserable, and I hated myself. I spent every waking moment I could pushing away my intuition and covering up my true emotions. I wanted peace, and found it in melancholy.
But then something clicked.
I’m not sure if my environment had just gotten so bad that it was time for a change, if it was the universe pushing me in the right direction, or a combination of the two, but within a few short months I broke up with my boyfriend, lost a very toxic job, got into therapy, and went to group programs. I began a meditation practice, started to read again, began to learn a new language, and bought a new deck of tarot cards.
The death and rebirth happened with such grace that I practically floated back to sanity.
When cataloging this 12-year tale of emptiness and debauchery, it seems almost crazy that a person could turn her life around so quickly and begin to help others with her wisdom. But I did it. And I’ll explain how.
When I finally said enough! the universe conspired to help me succeed. I was lined up with a therapist that helped me immensely. I found groups in my area to share my story. I started to write a blog that gained traction. And most importantly, I found my spirituality again.
When you go through life for so long, repressing everything that you love, and stripping all of it away for a quick fix, it’s inevitable that you will feel empty. Like a walking skeleton, unaware you are only bones. The universe will match your vibration and keep you low.
But starting from the very top and beginning to slowly unravel the “why’s” and the “what’s” of your pain is going to bring you so much closer to Spirit. To your divine power. To your gifts. You’ll stop working against the universe, and start co-creating with it.
I spent the majority of my young life reaching across the room for fulfillment, when true enlightenment was in my grasp the entire time. Finding comfort in misery and not actively trying to lift yourself out only forces you to swim upstream. If you begin to love yourself, conjure your confidence, and express gratitude, the universe will line everything up to ensure your success.
Knowing this now, my pain was a gift. For the wisdom I received was far beyond anything I could have imagined. My purpose was defined in those moments, and now I teach women how to reach within themselves to find their divine feminine, without self sabotage or shame. I guide them to listen to their intuition, rather than ignoring it as I did for over a decade. I coach them into believing in themselves.
And it all just starts with acknowledging that right now, you’re supposed to be here, reading this article, and absorbing this knowledge.
A ritual to conjure confidence
Here is a simple ritual to help clear some of these blocks and to conjure confidence. All it takes is a white candle, a mirror, and honesty:
- Light a white candle and say a blessing. Express gratitude and acknowledge Spirit.
- Gaze into the mirror with a soft focus, and think of where you are most insecure currently. Tap into that feeling, and hold your gaze.
- Now, talk to that part of yourself with only love and compassion. If it helps, pretend you are speaking to a friend. But do not shame, just use a loving tone and encouraging words.
- When you have said all you feel you need to, stare deep into the eyes reflecting back at you, and meditate on what you see. Stare deeply into your own pupils, and clear your mind.
- After a few minutes, say, “I love you unconditionally,” and break your stare.
- Focus on your feet (or body if you are sitting) being firmly planted on the floor to ground you before you end your ritual.
- Snuff out the candle, thank Spirit, and close your ritual.
Thank you for reading and participating, and remember, to stay witchy!