Q: How do you have the tough convo with your man (or whomever your partner is) about how your desire for sex is there but not as hot and heavy as it was five years ago when you began your relationship? How do you do this in a way that doesn’t offend him/her or make them think it’s their fault or there’s something they are doing wrong? Sometimes it seems like a lot of work to get into the “sex” mode but when your partner wants it and you don’t, it can be a real struggle. Help!
A: This is an age-old Q, and I’m so happy you asked because it’s a real “thing” for long-term relationships that must be addressed with love and care.
In a long-term partnership, desire naturally ebbs and flows and partners will sometimes feel hot for each other and sometimes they won’t.
And that’s why I always encourage the couples I work with to create a consistent sexual intimacy practice that honors both levels of desire and honors the partnership’s need for regular intimacy and connection.
It’s important to remember that the relationship is a third energy outside of you both as individuals, and it needs consistent Love, care, and connection to grow.
So, without further ado, here is my recommended Sexual Intimacy Practice for Couples!
Create one date night a week (or afternoon or Sunday morning—whatever works for you and your beloved) where the focus is on sexual intimacy and connection.
Now, I hear you groaning—it doesn’t mean that you’re now “obligated” to have sex with your partner when you don’t want to or vice versa. What it means is that no matter what, you and your partner are prioritizing sexual intimacy and connection every week because you know it’s vital to nurturing a healthy long-term partnership.
During that two-to-three-to-four hours (depending on how much time you’ve set aside, I recommend at least two hours), you will both check in with yourselves to see what level of sexual intimacy you’re available for. You may be tired and want to be held and have your hair caressed. Your partner may be raring to go.
If this big of a gap in desire exists, then you get to tune in to see if you feel called to gift your partner with sexual energy or vice versa if you’re ramped up with desire and your partner isn’t feeling the same. Perhaps this will be oral sex, a lingam/yoni massage—or whatever feels in alignment for you to gift your partner with.
Before you begin you can offer up silently or out loud (depending on how “woo” your partner is) a blessing, that your sexual gifting will bless your partner and anything else that’s important to you both. You can make your sexual gifting an offering to Mother Earth. Or for more peace and Love in the world. It’s up to you. And bonus: you can do this anytime you and your partner engage in sexual intimacy—dedicate the creation energy to something you both care deeply about.
Sometimes you may be the one who’s hot and heavy and your partner may only desire naked massage or cuddling. Sometimes you’ll start with not feeling it and then find yourself in the middle of naked cuddling or oral or massage turned on and ready to dive into more sexual connection.
Sexual intimacy is a beautiful form of connection. But how it takes place is different for all couples. Some couples prefer not to ever have penetrative sex. Some only like oral, some only like penetration, and some like to try all flavors of sexual connection.
There’s no wrong way here, the only ask that we have for you is that you prioritize sexual intimacy so as to create a happy, healthy and thriving partnership – at whatever level feels comfortable to both you and your partner.
Sexual intimacy is also a habit. When we fall out of the habit, it can feel arduous to get back to feeling that spark again. But, it doesn’t need to be. With regular, weekly sexual intimacy and connection time, you can form a new habit, perhaps even far richer and deeper than when you two first began.
I also want to propose something rather radical: There is no spark for you to get back. Partnerships grow and deepen over time (if we’re doing it right) and with it so will the sex. We don’t need to spend any time trying to chase how sex was in the beginning of our relationship – that’s fueled primarily by lust and the sexy-mystery of a brand-new body with which to merge with.
We can create new habits and slowly begin to nurture our sexual energy.
In a mature and ever-evolving partnership, there will be endless opportunities to discover newness with your partner—and these weekly dates create the space for this. You may have dates where you each share your sexual fantasies and then lean in and see which fantasies feel in alignment to move into physical reality and which are best kept as fantasy.
There are also many breath practices and energy movement exercises that can stimulate you both in beautiful and intimate ways.
Healthy sexual intimacy is an important element in becoming everything we came here to be as women.
I would dare say dear one that it isn’t that you don’t want to have sex with your beloved; you simply need time and spaciousness to be with him/her in a way that allows your desperately-wanting-to-be-developed sexuality to be expressed in new ways.
The problem in our cult-ure is that we aren’t encouraged to find out what our natural sexual expression is. We as women especially are trained to give to the other and give to the other and give to the other—regardless of how we feel or whether or not we’re even turned on.
Part of us taking our power back from old programming is to take full responsibility for our pleasure and to create a weekly practice like this with our partner so that the relationship can continue to grow while the needs of each partner are also honored.
In Sacred Union, we always create the win-win-win—the win for you, for your partner, and for the relationship. The Sexual Intimacy Practice is simply another one of the ways to do exactly this! Enjoy, and please report back!
Q: When we are physically drawn to someone we know is not good for us as a partner, what’s the best way to handle this? Should we just avoid them or does that avoid the healing/lesson as well? And once you heal whatever wound it is that draws you together, will the physical pull go away, or are there some souls we will always just feel massive pull towards because of past lives, etc.?
A: Ahh yes, the conversation of wound-mates, soul-mates and whatever to do with them.
I’m going to make it incredibly simple for you and for all of our readers today…
If a man/woman/being you have a romantic connection and pull to is not all-in to explore whatever the connection is exclusively and monogamously (for those on the monogamous path)—then they’re a “no.”
Far too much heartbreak has been caused by us continually trying to get someone who was into us but not all the way into us—to love us fully. This is often linked to our abandonment wounds. These wounds are seductive as we often feel magnetically drawn to individuals that will only abandon us in some way. Often, we call these ones soul-mates, only to find out that it was merely the soul wound in us finding a perfect match with the soul wound in them.
When we have had past lives with these ones, which is often the case, it can be even more excruciating because we have multiple levels of pain and abandonment that become activated at one time.
I have laid on my bedroom floor sobbing in deep pain—not knowing that the pain was so great because I had experienced this wound many, many times with this same soul.
In fact, I’m about to tell you something you may not know—many of us return to Earth again and again because of these “soul/wound-mates.”
We spend lifetime after lifetime trying to “get” their love and “get” them to love us—but to no avail. They never were meant to, which is why it never occurred, but the wound is so strong within us we come back again and again to try to balance that energy.
The real way to balance this energy is to untangle from the other psychically, emotionally, and physically.
The pull to these ones can be deep, but again, unless they recognize you as such and are all-in for you, you’re only creating more pain and heartbreak for yourself. It’s not that you must avoid them, while secretly hoping they’ll realize they love you and can’t live without you (am I right?!)—you must instead heal this soul wound once and for all. You can do this with regular therapy and energy medicine to address the abandonment, rejection, co-addiction, and co-dependence wounds that desire healing (which is the real reason this one showed up!).
For so long, we’ve romanticized these relationships and connections and now, at this time in consciousness, it’s time to let them go.
If a potential partner can show up, walk beside us and explore the path of Sacred Union—then bravo, well done, get going and enjoy every ounce of it!
If they can’t or they can’t hold their consistency in their commitment to this, bless them and let them go. And bless all the lifetimes you two have danced this dance before. Let this one go not only from this lifetime, but from all lifetimes previous as well.
Doing this allows you to step into the full power of love for yourself.
When you love yourself in this way, you will only partner with those who can fully show up for you and the partnership you two are co-creating.
And so dearest one, let them be all-in or let them go. You’re worth it. You deserve it. And so do they.
My latest book Love Now: Your Daily Dose of Love & Miracles is the perfect support to create this kind of love in your life. Every day you’re given a channeled prayer, healing transmission, quote, or love activism action to take so that you can continue to vibrate at the frequency of love.
When you allow yourself to vibrate in the frequency of love, all that is truly love can come to you. And when a wound/soul-mate shows up, you can bless him/her with true and authentic love and no longer need them to fulfill a wound from long ago. Instead you can set both of yourselves free to experience true liberation while in an earth body.
When you purchase your copy of Love Now by May 24, you’ll receive a free workshop with us titled, “Create a Grand Love Affair with Yourself (and the World).” In this online workshop, we’ll expand upon the above and teach you how to live a more fulfilling and love-filled life.
Download our free guide to have all your questions answered about your spirit guides!