e live in a world where in mainstream, New Age, and even modern-day spiritual circles, great myths run with wild abandon on the topics of love, sex and sacred union.
So much misinformation exists about these important, sacred areas of our life that it’s tough to discern what is real and what is imagined.
In order to shine a divine light on these topics, we’ve co-created this monthly column to answer your most pressing questions on these vital topics!
After 11 years and more than 1,000 individuals served as a Love Activist, I have seen it all, heard it all, and supported it all. In addition, my personal journey with love has been an intense quest for the true Truth and liberation into my highest self.
I’m madly passionate about bringing the light of divine truth to these important areas so that we may all experience liberation, true love, and divine connection.
No question is off limits, so read on to see the A’s to these initial Q’s—and then submit your own!
Q: Any feedback for someone who has never been in a relationship?
A: Well, first we want you to know that you are in fact in a relationship right now. And that relationship is with yourself. It’s the most important, lifelong relationship you’ll ever have. The quality of this relationship literally determines the quality of the relationships you have with other people in your life—from family to friends to romantic partners.
Now lest you wish to slap me upside the head right now, I do realize you mean relationships outside of this primary and fundamental relationship with yourself.
But, it’s incredibly important for me to share this with you now because whatever relationship, and I assume you mean romantic here, that you call in can only be as vital and healthy as the relationship you have with yourself.
When I was in my twenties and seriously defunct in the area of relationship, I allowed my childhood wounding to run the show. The wise people around me kept telling me to “love myself.”
Unfortunately, I didn’t know what the fuck that even meant.
Because, how would I know how to love myself?!
I was someone who had only known “love” from parents who said they loved me but then hit, criticized, and abandoned me. I grew up in a culture of the Princess Bride and Sex & The City and so many tales about love that I didn’t know what was actually real.
So, how would I know how to love myself when all of that was my model of love?
Spoiler alert: I didn’t and there would be no way for me or for anyone who has endured childhood abuse and abandonment, as well as having grown up in the Western world to know how to do this.
And that’s why we must educate ourselves now; we must re-parent ourselves now and create our own stunning, healthy relationship with ourselves so that our model of relationship in every area of our lives can uplevel.
To help with this, I wrote the Truth About Love Guide to teach you all I know about how to create a relationship with yourself and with love that is healthy and transformative.
I’ve also co-created Love U(niversity) (see what I did there—Love U?!) with courses, tools, and practices that will show you exactly how to create such a deeply incredible relationship with yourself that you will have no choice but to magnetize in a healthy romantic relationship, and healthy relationships in every area of your life.
So, to answer your Q beautiful reader, the best preparation for your first relationship with another human is to develop a sacred, intimate, emotionally available, and sexy (yes, sexy!) relationship with yourself.
Put all of your focus on learning how to do this, and you will attract in a much higher level of relationship in every area of your life. I swear it with everything I have. Try it out and then report back!
Q: Can you have love, amazing sex, and sacred union with a man who isn’t your soulmate when you are aware that the relationship is limited in its growth potential? A warm, loving relationship that has run its course but maintains a connection of depth but not the depth of a life partner?
In fact, you can have all of those things with everyone you date/partner with ever.
And then, at some point there will be one where you both know, Oh yeah, this is the one that will go the distance—you’ll both be able to feel it in your bones.
That doesn’t mean you won’t be triggered in the relationship or even contemplate running/avoiding. But what it does mean is that you’ll feel a tug deep within you that says, “Hold tight, stay longer, there’s more to do here.”
And you know what’s even more amazing? You may think right now that this loving, sexy union isn’t going to go the distance as a life partner. And then, life might surprise you and it does!
Because here’s the fuckin truth: You. Don’t. Know.
Oh, I get it, the psychic down the street said this and the guy over there said that. Your wounds have a whole other thing to say, too—perhaps that you don’t deserve love, or that some magical partner exists who will complete you and not ever annoy you.
You don’t actually know.
And the only way to know is to be present. Fully. And to stay until you are both clear and at the point of, Oh, we’re complete. We’ve gone as far as we can go.
There’s no longer a need for dramatic break-ups with storm outs and shouting. Instead, you can be two grown-ass adults committed to their spiritual development (Oh yeah, did I mention that partnership is spiritual practice in action? Yes, it is.) who are willing to go as far as they can go together, knowing full well they can’t possibly know how far that is until they reach that point.
Please note: This does not ever mean to stay in an abusive, horrific relationship—clearly that’s not what this lovely is experiencing. However, I know the power of being an abused woman and all the ways we justify staying in that shit. Don’t do that; instead, go hire yourself a powerhouse healer woman, go deep into your emotional work and get OUT.
I also want to speak to an incredibly important concept that you mention here—soulmates. He isn’t your “soulmate” but he’s pretty damn awesome.
So, here’s the thing my love: Your version of a “soulmate” might be a wound-mate in disguise. It might be a ploy, a trick, a fanciful tale to distract you from the truly wonderful partner who did show up in your life.
Cuz let me tell you, I’ve had soulmates. I always “knew” that I was meant for a romantic love, an epic love beyond all time and space. The kind where you know instantly they’re the “one” and you’re fused together for life.
Well, plot twist.
My “soulmates” ripped my heart out (one even killed himself to add further clarification to the fact that my version of soulmates was actually woundmates in disguise)—every single one of them.
Now of course this ripping and shredding of my heart occurred so I could heal what had been shredded long ago, but it was not necessarily necessary.
I have watched as women (because that’s primarily who I work with) gallop into the arms of a “soulmate” only to be face-to-face with the ugliest karmic wounds, shadow shit, and pain this side of the Mississippi.
Maybe that soulmate tale is really a wound-mate.
Maybe true love doesn’t look like that. Maybe it looks like the person who takes your hand, makes sweet love to you and is willing to do the courageous thing—to walk beside you for as long as you’re both in bodies.
And fyi, when I say “maybe” I mean HELL YES that’s what it means. Just in case that was confusing. 😉
Be with this beautiful being. And make it not about him, but about both of you growing into who you truly are, together, for as long as God/The Divine/your higher selves agree that it serves your highest collective good. Decide that you’ll walk this journey until you both feel complete.
Let life surprise you.
Let love surprise you. And throw out all of the fanciful notions. Real life is waaaay better.
Have a Q on Love, Sex, and/or Sacred Union? Your privacy will always be honored. Submit your Q here .
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