y chest is constricted and my eyes continue to dart to the numbers in the corner of the screen, and I mentally count down the minutes until it is time to try my very first angel card reading. In pure Allie fashion, I’ve managed to blow this epically out of proportion.
Thanks to the wonders of technology, my reading with transformational life coach Kavita Melwani was to occur as a video conference. I hoped the angels wouldn’t mind our technological set up, and that they too would dial into our conference call. I was told to prepare a few questions for exploration prior to our session, and this was proving to be wildly difficult. It took me twenty minutes, but I managed to come up with three, as well as a litany of other scribbles and scrawls.
The phrase on repeat? “Why am I so afraid of this?” I knew I a partial answer to my pleading inquiry. Well, in theory, at least.
The rationale went a little something like this: If I fully acknowledged the power of angels, then it stood to reason that I needed to acknowledge demons, too. Not the evil devils with the pitchforks and sassy horns. No, I mean my demons. Every piece of my spiritual journey thus far has been mildly invasive, at best. Reading self-help books, shopping for crystals, and going to classes and meditations were stories in which I controlled the narrative. This? I felt like this reading was the first experience I would have without me at the reins. I was going to have to discuss my questions, my fears, and my spiritual path with another living human being. Out loud. Eye-to-eye. I was scared. Not only that, but I realized that if I desired to get legitimate help and guidance from the angels, I needed to ask actual, real questions. Soul-baring shit. Damn.
Preparing for my tech-savvy angel card reading
So there it stood. My big, giant fear. Try as I might to squash it down, like a mighty prehistoric cockroach, it continued to rear its nasty head. I managed to chill out enough to put myself on autopilot for a few minutes, and I settled down into my chair with my twee T-chart of questions, hoping I’d get to skip over at least one of them. Then, I waited for Kavita to join the call. I clutched a piece of opalite and prayed a little bit…to whomever or whatever might have been listening at the time.
My nerves dissolved the second I saw Kavita and we began to talk about the reading process. I blurted out my fearful feelings surrounding our time together, but the way Kavita framed the angel cards as a tool for divination, meant to help sharpen our intuition, while simultaneously peeling back our old programming and the voices of our parents, put me at ease. We meditated together, set the space for the reading, and during those thirty minutes, my ever-present fear was replaced by her calm presence of knowing.
Kavita started her path exploring angel cards and energy in 2000, and her knowledge and strong intuition shone through during the reading. Even though I was having a difficult time phrasing my questions, she was able to get to the core of my ramblings and unlock the questions hidden underneath my lengthy and sprawling statements. Through Doreen Virtue’s beautifully crafted cards, we asked the angels if my career change was the best choice for me (for the record, it was; the angels could tell I was restless and hungry for something bigger).
We talked about new business partnerships, as I wanted to hear what the angels thought about how friendship and work would mix. Career stuff seemed safe, and I felt comfortable talking about it, so that’s where I steered the majority of the session. I intentionally left my hardest-hitting question for last, praying we would run out of time before I had to ask it. Alas, no such luck. There it was, searing a hole through my notebook. Out of the three questions, it was probably the most important. Scrawled on the paper in orange ink, were the words:
Why am I so fearful?
My recent diagnosis of Generalized Anxiety Disorder had only solidified what I have been very clear on for decades now: I’m more scared of more shit than most people. As I got older, the problem only amped up in severity. With my wisdom and expanse of knowledge came more things I knew I had to fear.
Writing out my questions for the angels
Out of all the questions I had for Kavita and the angels, this one was probably the most personal. I needed to know what I could do to fix myself, to transcend my fears, and to feel like I wasn’t holding myself back from life anymore. I hoped that the angels would perhaps offer to swoop down and pluck the chords of fear straight out of my heart, or maybe they’d give me a divine remedy for the tightness in my chest, the endless loops of doom and gloom that could play in my head without warning, and the sweaty, sleepless nights where I can’t help but wonder if I’ve done everything wrong.
I managed to ask the question, and the answer I received was more important than any other from our reading that day.
“Be patient with yourself.”
Somewhere along the line of my self-betterment journey, I had lost all patience for myself and my strange, broken-record inner dialogues. “I’m better than this,” I’d bark to myself in my head. “I’m a positive person now, there’s no room for fear. Only faith.” When that admonishment inevitably didn’t work, then I’d turn to a personal favorite: “Why are you being so stupid?”
After pulling the cards, Kavita’s line of questioning immediately turned to my self-talk in moments of anxiety, and I sheepishly had to admit to some of the horrific language I can use to try to snap myself out of it. Clearly, it wasn’t working, but that didn’t stop my berating. The messaging from both the cards and my reader was very clear—kindness and patience would be the only way out of this loop. I couldn’t judge or trash-talk my way out of my problems with anxiety, even if I was finding it to be incongruous with my new spiritual path.
I had fallen in line with the assumption that if I was doing the whole spirit junkie thing right, then I should be free-floating and blissed out 24/7. I felt broken, like I was doing the whole spirituality thing wrong. The angels had spoken, however. I needed to “deal with challenges in a kind and understanding manner,” and “have patience.” Holding a state of grace in the face of my fears, not anger, was needed to quell the inner turmoil.
My first angel card reading was a definite turning point in the quest to lose my spiritual virginity. It was a novel task. I needed to open up an otherworldly dialogue with another human being, and reveal the Achilles heel of one of my closet’s many spooky skeletons. Entering that dialogue with Kavita meant I had to yield to my fear, acknowledge it, and speak its name. This is the first step in exorcising the demon, and I thank both Kavita and the angels with my whole heart for reminding me that this process requires not hostility, but gentility and grace.
To learn more about Kavita, or to schedule your own reading, visit www.kavitalifecoach.com.
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The Spiritual Virgin is Allie Becker’s monthly column in which she (hilariously) documents her adventures in spiritual exploration. Sign up for Spirit Guides’ newsletter to stay in the loop.